Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

(Musicians.)

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

is this meant to deter me

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.