Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
![]()
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Awesome parenting 😂
![]()
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
![]()
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.