Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
what it’s like dating me:
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.