Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal