Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
They did not think through this water fountain
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”