me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
You Might Also Like
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun