me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’ve had relationships like this
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
FINE, I WON’T.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.