Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
perfect
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency