Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.