Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*