Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Steam Forums
Old old old old old west
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow