Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Welcome
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Hot Hot Hot
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Customer is always right
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting