me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
how DARE
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Finally!
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
