me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
this is uni
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.