Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PER MY LAST EMAIL

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

bro what is going on at twitter

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿