me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD