Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

eggs benadryl

No. He’s not coming out to play

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

8: *gives me a pen*

Me: *takes it*

8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.