Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash