Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away

You are my people

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..