Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Stonehinge

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more