DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
They also CAN sing✌️
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My neck, my back, my…
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.