Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!