ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
North and South
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people