ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?