@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

You Might Also Like

@ASmallFiction

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

@TheAlexNevil

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

@CorkyCrash

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@AimeeHelene1

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

@OllyiConic

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

@CatsVsHumanity

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

@AlanFelyk

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

@bigmacher

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut