ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

You Might Also Like


“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.


My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.


I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.


Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!


olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives


Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?


Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?


You’ve been promoted to customer



I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut