ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”