“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
You’ve been promoted to customer
I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut