Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

*me flirting

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?