Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs