Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Home #decor warning.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Tuesday

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Alexa turn off the planet

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].