Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

ㅤ

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*