Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

This fish is cracking me up

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.