Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.