Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Me: The force is strong with this one
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
HR:..87. Karen has lost 87 PERCENT VISION..
Me:..she looked at my cheese stick..
Me: *eats cheese stick*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…
mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.