Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

My biological clock is wheezing.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.