Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.