Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.