Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Guilty! 🤪
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!