Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
True?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.