Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot