Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

Managing expectations

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.