Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented