Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

shit just got real

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

I am never leaving this website

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT