Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.