Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.