Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.