Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.