Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

8yo: Can you just say nothing?

3yo: Nothing

8yo: No, just say nothing

3yo: Nothing!

8yo: No, can you just be silent?

3yo:

3yo: NOTHING!

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.