Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Nothing to do, you say?

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao