Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.