[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.