Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I feel seen

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all