Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

58.

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Am getting real tired of your crap…

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?