Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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Lmao
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Okay this one takes it home
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.