Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
lmfao
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
If you breakdance you buy dance.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.