Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

LMAO.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

🤣✨#caturday

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?