Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.