me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?