Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

How dude HOW?!

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.