me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Meme Monday.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
absolutely not
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one