Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

I can’t be the only one 😂

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here