Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.

:/

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

(Jupiter –

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college