My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
O Wise One….
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.