[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad