Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land