Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.