*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,