Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

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Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.


Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50


Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.


calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves


Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”


The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.


Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.


Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?


Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today