@Buffalojilll

Me *has not belonged to or physically been in a gym for 12 months*: oh noooo I was just about to get in shape, what now?????

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@Chelsea_Elle

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

@MelKassel

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

@ADDiane

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

@Vijaytiwari1611

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”

@Donna_McCoy

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

@Julian_Deane

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

@ItsDanSheehan

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today