Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
These 3D printers are insane!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Yup….perfect score!
