Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.