Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Otters see a butterfly.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

📽️movie date🎞️

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.