Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

(2022)

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

when mom throws a party…

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.