Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele